A top-secret document — dubbed “Wedge II: the Discovery Code” — has been uncovered in a dumpster behind the Seattle office of Discovery Institute. As reconstituted by a special Disciples of Darwin investigative team, the document reveals a well-advanced plan for instituting a theocracy in America. Evolution defenders and other free thinkers have warned of this kind of plot for years and now can confirm its existence.
The Disciples of Darwin team is made up of archeological investigators and entrail readers from the New Orleans Humanist and Extra-terrestrials Society and forensic agitprop artists from the Oakland-based National Center for Scientific Indoctrination (NCSI). Together, they have temporarily seized control of this website in order to narrowcast directly to you.
“The web of conspiracy is even more extensive I thought,” said Grand Investigator Dawkins Huxley upon inspecting the dumpster debris. Internet blogs, three books, a recent conference at CUNY and several print reporters have revealed the dangers posed by religious and semi-religious zealots, not to mention some of their fellow traveling non-religious people, who, by the way, are only being used as window-dressing.
These people at Discovery and their powerful network of contacts pose as mild-mannered scientists and public policy wonks, Huxley continued. They pretend that they only demand a fair debate on science, but the truth — our truth — is much more sinister. Connecting the dots we now can add Discovery Institute to the growing list of groups in the theocrat conspiracy in America. It already includes the Heritage Foundation, the Baptist Church, the Vatican, Claremont Institute, the Moonies, Acton Institute, Big Oil, the Presbyterians, right-wingers in Congress, Wendys, Empower America, Procter & Gamble, the NRA, the Red Cross, Smokey the Bear and the White House!”
“Wedge II, the Discovery Code” was pieced together from office memos, hard copies of emails, shopping lists and fundraising drafts–all suspiciously held in place by what only appeared to be a wad of chewing gum–“The smoking gum!” as Huxley termed it. The document collection was “wedged” between a ream of publicity flyers for the propaganda film The Privileged Planet and a pair of torn running shorts.
“That is just where we would expect to find it!” declared a triumphant Huxley.
Although there is no mention of him “by name,” Huxley said it was clear that animating the various theocracy-fomenting groups is “the dead hand of the late J. Paul Rushdony and his Christian Resurrection movement.”
Huxley added, “People at Discovery Institute claim they have always opposed the idea of theocracy and have publicly argued against it. They even say the idea is ‘ridiculous.’ Well, that’s all just for public consumption! The fact is that we are able to trace the influence of J. Pat Rushdowny through the grants that once upon a time were given to Rushdoner by one of the same foundations that in recent years gave large grants to Discovery. How much evidence do you need? Not since the 1960s when the anti-communist John Birch Society exposed the so-called ‘coincidence’ that the Council on Foreign Relations headquarters in New York was right across the street from the Soviet Mission to the United Nations has there been such solid proof of conspiracy.”
Investigators say that some of the dumpster material has not yet yielded its mystery. “We noted,” says Huxley, “that one piece of paper stuck to the pile appears to be a Starbucks receipt for a ‘white Frappucino, extra whip.’ But we are working on a theory that this is actually Discovery Code for an albino Opus Dei monk who was seen skulking about the Discovery headquarters recently. With the new fundamentalist pope now in office, there has to be a tie there,” Huxley declared.
“When you add up all these facts,” said Huxley, “it just proves once again that Darwin’s theory is scientifically correct in each and every detail and cannot be questioned.
He added that he is not at all surprised by the Discovery discoveries. “As I always say, ‘Everybody’s theocratic except me and thee, and sometimes I wonder about thee.”
Another key paper stuck to the Wedge II, Discovery Code gum-collection is a printed copy of a recent email inquiry from Michael Shnayerson, an investigative reporter for Vanity Fair. In it Shnayerson–himself an expert sleuth–asked the Discovery staff to confirm their theocratic intentions. Thanks to coaching from NCSI and NOHE, a number of reporters have followed this hot trail to Discovery, though Shnayerson may have blazed his very own short cut.
In his email to Discovery officials, Shnayerson asked: “Would it be fair to say that the ID movement’s long-range goal is a theocratic government in the US? What exactly would such a government look like? Would the church dominate the executive branch? Would the judicial and legislative branches be subject to it?”
Even more indicting than Shnayersons perceptive questions is the string of emails that the Discovery staff wrote to one another as they forwarded his email around their office. One reaction reads, “Oh, brother! The jig is up! They’re on to us now. Call a meeting of the Star Chamber!”
Another replies, “You know, we really do need to figure out how the Theocracy we’re plotting is going to manage all these branches of government! I cant even manage my desk. By the way, if youre going out, could you get me a Frappucino?”
“If that doesn’t count as an ominous confession,” wondered Grand Investigator Huxley, “what would?”
“We conclude that the only thing preventing introduction of an American theocracy,” said Huxley, “may be that the theocrats can’t decide exactly which church’s leaders are going to be put in charge of the church-run government. Will it be the Methodists or the Free Methodists, or maybe the Knights of Columbus or even Hadassah? The infighting among the theocrats must be fierce right now.”
Nonetheless, Disciples of Darwin investigators believe that the now-proven charges of theocracy are ample reason to abandon any thought of actually answering the dissenting scientists who say that Darwin’s theory is full of holes and can’t stand real scrutiny.
“Why give such a crowd respectability by letting them debate the likes of us?” said Huxley. “We don’t need to debate Darwin’s theory,” he said. “Darwinian evolution is accepted by virtually every reputable phrenologist, eugenicist and scientific materialist in the world.”
When it comes to evolution, he concluded, “Darwin said it, I believe it, and that settles it.”