Sex and Civics
Washington Law and Politics
April-May 2001
“Dad . . . Im home.”
“Hey, big guy. Whatd you do in school today?”
“Not much. Sex Education.”
“Oh? What did that involve?”
“They showed us a movie and passed out deodorant. Condoms was last semester. Dad, what are the three branches of government?”
“Media, Special Interests, and Consumers. Why?”
“Ms. Ventriculo said wed be talking about it tomorrow.”
“In Sex Ed?”
“No, Civics.”
“So Sex Ed is now a branch of Civics?”
“Be serious, Dad.”
“Or is Civics now a branch of Sex Ed?”
“Neither. Hey, Dad, theres this concert next week I really wanna go to. Its a great group and theyre totally non-objectionable.”
“Whats their name?”
“Bare Naked Ladies. Can I?”
“Well discuss it later. Whatre you learning in Civics?”
“How the government works.”
“My son, Civics tells you how the government works the same way Sex Education tells you how a good relationship works.”
“So theyre lying about that, too?”
“Square business, dude. Never confuse the rule book with the game. Actually, speaking of games, youd learn more in that computer game you wasted $40 on. The one where you design families and relationships. Whats it called?”
“The Sims.”
“Do they have sex in it? I mean, if you want to start a family?”
“Nah, you just click on Babies. Whats Judicial Review?”
“Thats what gives the Supreme Court the right to rule on everything.”
“Thats in the Constitution?”
“Nope. They made it up.”
“Is that the same as Judicial Activism?”
“No. Judicial Activism is when you start with your conclusions and then make the evidence say what you want to hear.”
“Just like Sex Ed. Whats Strict Constructionism?”
“Thats getting dead people to tell you why you cant do something.”
“They mentioned that in Sex Ed, too. Dad, who runs the country?”
“A very powerful aristocracy.”
“You mean the Rich?”
“No. The Dysfunctional. The Rich, and the rest of us, only fund them. But theyre pretty democratic. Anybody can join. Its called Getting Dyssed. Once youre in, you can stay as long as you want.”
“Sounds crazy.”
“Hey, crazys a big part of everything these days. The Census of 1840 was the first to try to count America’s loonies. They had two categories – alcoholism and dementia. There are now around 400 officially recognized ways to go bonkers. Theres even a catalogue. The DSM.”
“Is it on-line?”
“Might be.”
“Ms. Ventriculo wants each of us to pick an issue to study.”
“Whats yours?”
“Social Security. Dad, whys it so messed up?”
“Abortion.”
“Say what?”
“Since the Supreme Court made abortion a constitutional right, there have been about thirty million. Thats thirty million Social Security cards that were never issued. Thirty million people who arent here to pay into the system.”
“I cant say that. Ms. Ventriculos very pro-choice. She says sex is a private matter.”
“Then why do they teach it in public schools?”
“I dont think Id want to ask her that.”
“Thirty million people is more than sex. Its Civics. Anyway, Social Security was founded on the premise that wed breed fast and die young. Now we do the reverse. So the problem is sexual.”
“But dont we give them money and they keep it for us until we retire?”
“Nope. They call it a Trust Fund and tell you that youve got an account. But you have no right to that money. The Supreme Court says so. And anyway, its set up so youll never get it.”
“Explain.”
“Well, the government takes our money and uses part of it to pay benefits to present retirees. The rest goes into special treasury bonds. The government uses that money to pay other expenses. In a few years, the Social Security surplus will disappear. The Trust Fund will start cashing in bonds. But where will the government get the money to redeem those bonds?”
“From us?”
“You got it. Theyll either raise taxes or cut benefits. Probably both. If a corporation ran its pension system the way the government runs Social Security, theyd all be in jail.”
“Why dont they go to jail?”
“No room. Weve got two million people in prison right now and millions of others out on probation and parole.”
“For doing what?”
“Breaking the laws, I guess. Weve got so many laws and regulations on the books that nobody can even count them anymore. You know what Bush should do if hes serious about helping the kids?”
“What?”
“Appoint an Independent Special Prosecutor to find out whos responsible for Britney Spears.”
“I want to go to her concert, too.”
“Well discuss it later. You know, son, the Founding Fathers understood that sex and civics have a lot in common.”
“Go on.”
“Well, both should be free people coming together freely, to make their worlds together. But too often its people using and dominating each other, just in it for themselves. The Founders succeeded because they never forgot what things should be while dealing with things as they were. Were here today because weve always had enough people who shared that idea in whatever they were doing. Not everybody. But enough.”
My son paused a moment.
“Ms. Ventriculo said something like that.”
“In Civics?”
“No, Sex Ed. After she apologized for the movie and the deodorant. She seemed sad. I guess the two are related.”
“Everything human beings do is related.”
“Sounds like it. Now, what about Bare Naked Ladies?”
“Ask your mother.”