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Small Losses (Griefs Not Observed)

The Lewis Legacy-Issue 80, Spring 1999 The C.S. Lewis Foundation for Truth in Publishing

by Romilda Wilder

This article is included in Legacy for two reasons. First, it complements A Grief Observed. Second, it is a refreshing contrast to the extreme position of owners of the Lewis literary estate and their employees.

In cleaning my room I found many, many things … more than half of which I’m discarding … either throwing away or giving away. It has been a healthy (though a pain in the back) thing to do. I’ve enjoyed “letting go” of so many things.

I came across this little piece I wrote for a forum on aging given at my church in 1991. At the time I was Assistant Mgr. for Resident Services at a local retirement home, and was one of several panelists. My topic was ‘loss’

We’ve all seen the comic strip of Linus and his security blanket … the pitiful pictures of the blanket in the dryer while Linus sits … watching … waiting for it to once again be in his hands. I’m sure Linus couldn’t give you all the reasons why his blanket is important to him, and what I find so wonderful is that he doesn’t have to. Children are usually allowed to have what seem to be unreasonable needs and fears … and they’re usually allowed to express them. A healthy small child will scream or cry if you take away what matters to him.

The difficulty comes later … when we have absorbed all the unwritten laws of our culture that tell us as adults we really ought to be reasonable about our needs and fears and we ought not to scream and cry when we lose something. Because of the burying of feelings, many of us find ourselves not only without a way to show our grief, but also without the ability to recognize the losses.

We have memorial services when someone dies, a gathering for rituals which heal more than we could guess, but we have no cathartic rituals to mourn the loss of jobs, homes, or relationships … much less the losses that come with age. There is no gathering of loved ones to mourn with you your inability to run up the stairs, no hymn of comfort for you when you give up your car and driver’s license. If your beloved is dying you might get extra hugs of support from your friends, but who weeps with you when you can no longer write letters or weed your garden.

I see brave people daily – people who courageously graduate from a cane to a walker, who struggle to hear a simple conversation, who shyly ask a clerk to double bag their purchases so that nobody will be able to read through the thin plastic those reassuring names: Depends, Attends, or Serenity. There is no rite of passage when you’re losing control of your bladder, but its a loss and people grieve it, one way or another.

After my father died I found myself brushing my teeth longer and more thoroughly than I ever had. For weeks I wondered what was behind this “ritual” I was performing each morning. Sometimes it made me late to work. I was almost ready to call a shrink when I realized what was happening. This was something over which I had complete control. I had no control over my father’s death. I had no control over all the feelings surrounding his death, but I did have control over how I brushed my teeth. Now when I find myself brushing my teeth longer than usual, I listen … to the things inside of me … to hear what it is I feel I’ve lost control of.

A few years ago I found a card which said: THERE HAVE BEEN NO DRAGONS IN MY LIFE, ONLY SMALL SPIDERS AND STEPPING IN GUM …. I COULD HAVE COPED WITH DRAGONS.

It seems to me it is the small losses, the daily blows, which wear us down. There don’t seem to be appropriate or acceptable way to grieve those “small” losses.

We Americans take great pride in our Melting Pot mentality, but in melting down the unique rituals, ceremonies, and rites of passage, we have robbed ourselves of healthy release and relief.

Too many people are hurting from losses which we don’t know how to confirm, affirm, or handle. Maybe it is time for us to reinvent the wheel… time to gather ourselves together to share and grieve these losses. Maybe it’s time to pour some of the melted rituals into new and meaningful molds … molds of acceptable and healing ways to express the feelings we’ve so carefully denied or controlled. Whether we actually do this alone or in groups, it is important to find ways of healing those gashes in our hearts and psyche where something has been taken away from us…. where we’ve lost what once was so much a part of the person we considered ourselves to be.

Copylefted by Rom Wilder – 1991

This piece of writing is copylefted. Please feel free to share it with anyone you wish as long as this “copyleft” is left on it and as long as it is not sold or used to make money in any way.